Memories and Decisions
by HedwigBlack
Summary: Sirius is in Azkaban and thinks about his friends...and his regrets.


My submission for the Diversity Competition Round 4

* * *

The man woke up to the full moon shining through the tiny window near the top of his cell. The light fell onto his gaunt face and he held up a hand to shield it from his eyes. The sound of waves could be heard lapping against the stone outer walls of the prison. It was a peaceful night; or at least, peaceful for Azkaban.

But the man wondered if he preferred the usual screams and yells and the howling winds to the eerie quiet surrounding him now. It was unnatural and it made him nervous. It was like the calm before a storm.

It was not very often that he allowed himself the luxury of occupying his human form. It was more comfortable to be a dog, he'd admit, but after a while, he needed to remind himself that he was not an animal. This place would make anyone an animal, in one way or another. But on nights like these when the dementors were off sucking the life out of some other miserable inmate down the hall and the cold lessened a few degrees, he would transform and allow himself to be human again. He looked down at his trembling hands and he mused on the fact that sometimes being human is a terrible misfortune

The guilt washed over him as his friends' faces rose to the forefront of his mind because that's what always happened when he allowed himself to think. They were his biggest regrets.

The moon was full and he thought of Remus. He wondered where his friend was and if he was alone in his werewolf state. Was he taking his potion or was he wild, chewing on his tail to satisfy the need to destroy something? Sirius remembered some nights in the Shrieking Shack when Remus would chew his tail completely raw despite everything the Marauders could think of to distract him. Sirius knew how it felt. He'd resorted to that instinct a few times whenever the dementors got too near.

Sirius leaned his head against the cool stone of the wall as his temple began to throb. James and Lily were smiling at him every time he closed his eyes and it disturbed him how he could barely remember what they looked like. He deserved to be here. He deserved to suffer for killing them. He'd killed them as soon as he'd given up his position as Secret Keeper.

The conversation replayed in his head. Over and over…

"_Let Wormtail be Secret Keeper. They wouldn't suspect him."_

"_Are you sure you're not just being paranoid? That's kind of what happens when you have a secret to keep, mate," James reasoned. _

_Sirius shook his head. "I've had to avoid running into the Lestranges three times in two weeks," he said pointedly. "And you know Bella would just love to turn me over. After she Crucio's me for a couple of hours, that is. Somebody has to know."_

_James crossed his arms and directed his attention to his wife rocking Harry to sleep in the next room. _

_Sirius pushed further. "I know Dumbledore already offered, but Wormtail practically worships you, James. He'd never tell a soul. And like I said, no one would suspect him. He keeps a lower profile than the rest of us."_

_James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. After a few moments he gave in. "All right. I'll talk to Lily."_

James and Lily were dead within a week. Sirius couldn't believe he'd been so blind and so foolish. What had he been scared of? Why would he suggest that anyone could keep his friends' secret better than he could? He'd learned a long time ago that the only person he could trust was himself. But now everything he thought he knew was crumbling around him and he discovered while sitting in his cell trapped in his thoughts that the truth of the matter was, he couldn't trust himself either. He was a shitty friend.

And a shitty godfather. That poor kid was being raised by Muggles and it was all his fault. Harry Potter was a household name because of a decision he'd made on impulse. It was all his fault.

Sirius looked down beside him at the crumpled up newspaper that he'd gotten from the Minister of Magic. Even from inside his cell, he had seen the picture of the happy family with Wormtail in their midst. He'd recognized the rat immediately. The odd tufts of hair around the ears, the pointed nose, and the tell tale missing toe on his paw. It was him, Sirius was sure of it.

He knew he couldn't bring James and Lily back. He knew he couldn't go back and fix everything he'd ruined. He couldn't give Harry the normal life he deserved with the family that loved him.

But he could get his sweet revenge.

It was the only hope he had to hold on to in this godforsaken place. He would find the rat and make him know what he'd done to all of them. He would find him at Hogwarts.

"Hogwarts," Sirius whispered hoarsely. "He's at Hogwarts."

He felt the icy chill reach him from down the stretch of hallway. The dementors were making their rounds. He shivered from the cold and groaned as the memory of the street in Godric's Hollow invaded his mind. It was destroyed and bodies lay everywhere. The Potters' house was in ruins, the smoke rising from the remains.

He couldn't bear to see it anymore. He concentrated hard and he transformed back into the shaggy, black dog.

For the next few weeks he bided his time. He had to wait for the opportune moment. Then he would find his way to Hogwarts. It became his obsession and the image of the towering castle drove out any thought of his friends or his regrets or his memories. It even haunted his dreams.

"He's at Hogwarts…He's at Hogwarts…Hogwarts."


End file.
